In the Living with a Creative article, I laid out ten facts about living with a creative ... well ... let’s say five facts and their opposites. Because, like I say in the article, creatives are a paradoxical bunch ... that’s how we recognize them!
1. Give them space.
2. Keep them close.
3. Don’t talk too much.
4. Be sure to tell them and others …
5. Embrace spontaneity.
6. Help them stay on a schedule.
7. Don’t correct them when they’re bemoaning their latest perceived disaster.
8. Gently correct and encourage them when they’re bemoaning their latest perceived disaster.
9. Be totally honest.
10. Not THAT honest!
I’ll take these in pairs and elaborate more in depth on each one. You know your own kid better than anybody, so glean anything from these that might apply to your situation. I hope these you will help understand that creative soul a bit better ...
1. Give them space.
2. Keep them close.
Human beings are relational creatures, and creatives are no exception. We need to be connected to the larger picture, and being connected to others gives us vitality for living. We feel safe and secure when we’re connected to others. Introverts tend towards fewer, but deeper, connections with others. Extroverts tend towards more, but casual, connections.
Creatives also need solitude to devote to their creative pursuits and to re-charge. The balance between solitude and social activities will be different among different creatives, but it needs to be there. Creatives who don’t take time to connect tend to shrivel up emotionally and insecurities creep in and build up. Creatives who never pull away to a quiet place to create and recharge end up frustrated and unfulfilled.
3. Don’t talk too much.
4. Be sure to tell them and others …
Proud parents of creative kids like to show off their kid's abilities and latest creations. Here, you need to really know your own creative … quieter creatives tend to be extremely private and won't enjoy hearing themselves discussed. More extroverted creatives might be the ones doing all the blabbing! Sometimes it’s just plain rude to rattle off information about someone when they are standing right there. Of course, most creatives enjoy hearing nice words about themselves, but it can be painful if they are very self-conscious. You might be of the mind that they just need to toughen up, but discuss that with them gently and privately. They might disagree … respect that! Give them space and time to consider it and come to their own assessment. Otherwise they will simply pull away from you in an effort to protect themselves. As for the ones who are doing all the blabbing, polite society might take care of that … or else it might be time for another gentle and private conversation!
5. Embrace spontaneity.
6. Help them stay on a schedule.
Creativity, by it’s very nature, needs to be spontaneous. But spontaneous, and not impulsive nor compulsive. It doesn’t need to be rigid and totally inflexible, but a plan and a regular routine is invaluable. Most creatives are really turned off by the very thought of a routine, but if creativity is their livelihood, and clients are expecting completed projects, they can’t just work or not work when the mood hits them. Working constantly and never spending time with family or never getting other chores done, is no good. It’s also no good to be off playing or discussing work and never actually doing any work. Even if it’s not a livelihood, creatives need to create. It’s not good to never get to the work, nor to be constantly working.
Most creatives will be pleasantly surprised that quality and productivity both improve when they start doing their work on a regular and consistent schedule. Their home and social lives will improve, too, when they stop interrupting activities to go work. Just ask any successful creative about their work habits … they will agree!
7. Don’t correct them when they’re bemoaning their latest perceived disaster.
8. Gently correct and encourage them when they’re bemoaning their latest perceived disaster.
Creatives tend to be an insecure and self-depreciating bunch. Like a lot of us who enjoy venting when things aren’t going our way, creatives aren’t really expecting their listeners to solve the problem. They’re just blowing off steam.
Occasionally it’s all well and good, but when they're in the grip of their own insecurities, it can turn into a tiresome habit. Pray for them and try to encourage them, but a creative stuck in this isn't likely to change unless something drastic happens. Usually it's when they hear somebody else doing this, and the lights come on, Oh! I do that, too!
Luckily for parents, having this happen in a youngster is a good opportunity to break them of this bad habit. And it will happen, because kids who are learning to use their talents get impatient and frustrated when they are learning and have to try again, sometimes over and over and over again.
Teach them to be patient with themselves as they are learning. Even seasoned pros are going to goof up sometimes. They just get up and try again ...
And model it in your own life for them when you goof up. Don't stop at telling them ... show them.
9. Be totally honest.
10. Not THAT honest!
We and our work grow and improve when we get honest, objective feedback. It is invaluable to any creative ... but it stings!
Hearing criticism about our work feels like a personal attack. Our defenses shoot up and we're ready to stave off our attacker! How dare they say cruel things about our baby! Back OFF, barbarian!!!
To the critics, I'll just say that you absolutley do need to choose and measure your words carefully. Hard words are received better when they are wrapped in some grace and mercy.
To the creatives, I'll say: tell those insecurities to just step back for a moment. Take a deep breath, and just listen. It will take time, but you will learn just like I did ...
Many times in my career I'd put a lot of time and effort into a project, just to hear a client or a boss say, No good! Change this, do that ... I'd be miffed, but I complied ... and surprise! Their changes would make the work better! Sometimes it didn't, but many times – most times – it did, and I learned a valuable lesson ... lay the ego aside and do what's best for the work!
Yeah, it's a pain in the butt, re-doing all that work, and many creatives won't ... to their loss.
Parents, teach your kids ...
When the critics come at you, listen to them. Then give yourself time and space to evaluate what they said. Is it valid? Is it not valid?
Sometimes you'll decide it is valid, and you'll proceed accordingly. Sometimes you'll decide it's not valid and you need the fortitude to politely stand your ground.
This is good advice for any area of life including our work. Defensiveness says more about our own insecurities than our critics. Life and work both get better when we push ourselves towards being comfortable and secure in who and what we are.